Dr. Barry–In the House

Here’s another offering from my pal, guest blogger Dr. Barry Pascal.  It was originally published in the North Valley Community Connection in August.  You can find his humorous works for sale here.–EGF

News Recovery

By Barry Pascal, Pharm.D.

I need to go into rehab …. news rehab!  I have no idea what will happen to me when this current presidential campaign season ends.  I am currently in a constant state of depression and elation, stress and heightened psychological awareness.

I get news on my car radio, on my cell phone and iPad, and, of course, at home on television and the computer.  Everything is tuned in to or turned on to a news station or news app or news site.   Nothing but news 24-hours a day, 7-days a week.  Every newspaper can be read on-line and believe me, I have most of them.

Most of the current news is about the political campaigns.  Every so often something comes up that bumps the campaign rhetoric ahead a few minutes, but most of the time it is about national or local politics.  Our current political cycle has become extremely engaging, if not excitingly disgusting.

It is so much fun watching supposedly respected and intelligent leaders swear at each other or call each other liars.  It reminds me of growing up in the San Fernando Valley.  We used to call everyone from over the hill (West LA, etc) nasty names, and if they said anything — we would call them liars.  Now that you think about it, not much has changed around here.

Many other countries would have collapsed if their TV channels were filled up with all of these real-life political soap operas.  A dictator would have jailed most everyone.  The population would take to the streets in protest and rebellion.  We, of course, just sit home — listening and watching.

Who is right?  Who is wrong?  Who cares?  The politicos think that we actually believe what they are saying.  We watch, we listen, and we wait for the “next big disgusting thing.”  It has become a continuous obnoxious sitcom.

Will Bachmann call Hillary Clinton a Secretary of State by day and a hooker by night?  Will Joe Biden take off his shirt and take over for a lifeguard on Brighton Beach so that he can join the Beach Watchers Union?  Will Mitt Romney be able to find his old tax returns and will Ann Romney go on a shopping spree once she sees them?  Can Rush Limbaugh say something nice about anybody?  Will President Obama join the LA Lakers this fall?  And how can I get into that 47%?  It just goes on and on.

The newscasters have changed dramatically.  They have become showmen/women as well as specialists on specific topics.  Some explain financial issues, some explain social issues, and many don’t know what they are taking about.  Several female broadcasters are attractive and have started wearing lower cut dresses that flatter their figures.  Many male newsmen are wearing tighter and tighter jackets, shirts and pants.  It is becoming clear that the line between show business and news broadcasting is narrowing.  However, one thing is clear: really smart, professional newscasters who are not good-looking will not make it anymore in major markets or prime-time.

First we had boxing, then wrestling, then football, and now political campaigns.  Look for fistfights soon at debates, look for spiting at opponents at presentations, and look for more channels with news.  I’m sure Nickelodeon will be airing an after school Small Fry Poops and Scoops show, Disney will have the Mickey Mouse Live Mud Slingin’ Updates, and Sesame Street will telecast Tiny Tot News Bulletins in 143 languages.

The current campaigns have too much money pouring into them.  Thank goodness we have a recession, because with all that “dough” who knows how long after an election these broadcasts would last.  Also, look for several countries to invest in our presidential campaigns soon.  Many Kings, Queens, and dictators will try to buy some of America or at least some of Congress or, probably both.

Well, no matter what happens, I am frightened about the political season ending.  What am I going to do?  How am I going to stay awake during the day?  What will I use for stimulation?  I am certainly going to need treatment and care.  I just hope my psyche can take the sudden cessation in a few months.  I also hope they will have room for me in rehab — I can’t be the only one obsessed with these rumors, scuttlebutt, and scandals.

About the Author – Barry Pascal, our former North Valley Honorary Mayor and former Honorary Sheriff, owned Northridge Pharmacy for 32 years and is now retired.  He has written seven comedy books and writes a humorous column for the California Pharmacists Association Journal as well as our North Valley Community Connection. So far the only thing that will get him away from all of his news shows is a buffet.