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Dr. Barry: “Behind Every Stupid Man…”

If male stupidity were fossil fuel, Dr. Barry Pascal theorizes today, we could all drive aircraft carriers with clear consciences. The real head-scratcher is why you females allow us to get away with it, with such regularity. You can find Barry‘s other humorous works for sale here.—EGF


Our Male-Oriented Society

By BARRY PASCAL, Pharm.D.
Humorist, Satirist, and All-Around Nice Guy

There are many reasons why we are basically a male-oriented planet: history; convention; arrogance—and sheer force.  However, none is more compelling than the simple fact that men would not be able to handle it any other way.  Men may not admit it, but women let us run everything.  They are very sensitive to our fragile egos and delicate mentalities.  Behind closed doors, we all know who really has the power.

Now, I am not talking about the occasional lunatic with a match, a gun, or a bomb in his hand.  Those crazies somehow sneak in and bully everyone else out of the way and then, boom—it’s too late.

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I am talking about citizens in ordinary, everyday male-oriented societies—like us, in America.  Look at what is going on right now in the good ol’ USA.  I’m not just talking about former Congressmen Todd Aiken, Joe Walsh, or Richard Mourdock and their unusual or even distasteful perspective on an illegal sex act.  I won’t even mention the male-only “Women’s Issues” Congressional panel.  And I am not referring to the older and well-known sexual predicaments of former Congressmen, Senators, and Governors—Anthony Weiner; Arnold Schwarzenegger; John Edwards; Eliot Spitzer; Larry Craig; or John Ensign. Pretty soon, we will have as many political leaders leaving through the back door as those coming in through the front.  You know what I mean—those resigning or being thrown out of office for doing stupid things when they are away from home.

Their real mistakes come from not thinking anyone would find out what they were doing, and how really idiotic they were.  How many examples do we need before these guys realize that maybe they “SHOULDN’T DO THAT” while they are in office?  Their fall from grace occurs when they’re caught and come up with excuses no better–really, in most cases, worse–that those coming from a kid caught with a shaved cat in one hand and an M-80 in the other.  (When I say “kid,” I mean–of course–a boy.  If there was a female involved at all, her role was limited to talking him into it.)  Very soon, our history books will have to be rewritten with chapter headings that include “Civil War;” “World War II;” “Civil Rights;” and “How Governments Change Themselves Sexually.”

How does this fit into our “It’s a Male World” theme?  Apparently, in order to run a society you need someone to blame for whatever goes wrong.  As women have known for centuries, it is much easier to blame men for anything.  It is much more difficult to blame women—you need an actual reason.  In addition, not only do you need a reason, whenever you accuse a woman (and you better be right, too) she never forgets.  Men, of course, have tiny little regular memories that get used up in their early twenties.  Football; baseball; basketball; and sexual fantasies take up the majority of the male’s brain space.

Men are simpler and much easier to understand.  We say whatever comes into our heads.  Women think about things, and then convene in groups to discuss the various issues involved.  To run a society based on reasonable thought and consensus would be very time-consuming.  It’s much easier to run things the way we do now.  We don’t have to discuss or thoughtfully analyze anything, just talk as boldly and as loudly as possible, and then jump to irrelevant conclusions.  No one has to be right—just loud.

Women are very careful about blaming anyone (again, because they never forget, and they all know that).  Men always blame something or someone else; women only have to blame men.  Not only that, women are rarely wrong.  If they are, they do it on purpose, so that they will have something to talk to men about.  Every husband will tell you that the worst possible thing he can ever hear is, “I wouldn’t do that if I were you.”

In my opinion, men make decisions much faster than women, and usually without extensive thought, deliberation or consideration.  I am convinced that many of the great decisions that have been made by men happened by accident.  And those made by women?  They were made on purpose.

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[Editor’s Note: We owners of the Y chromosome need to start thinking seriously about cleaning up our act.  Every married man has been told by his spouse–often in embarrassing detail–how he’s expendable.  Heretofore, we’ve taken comfort in the fact that the one thing we’re good at, and which we think about the most, will always save our sorry asses.  According to today’s episode of Radiolab,Sperm,” over time our, um, services may no longer be required.]

 


About the Author: Barry Pascal, North Valley’s former Honorary Mayor and Honorary Sheriff, owned Northridge Pharmacy for 32 years and is now retired. He has written seven comedy books and writes a humorous column for the California Pharmacists Association Journal as well as for the North Valley Community Connection. He is currently finishing his new book, “Women are from Venus.  Who Really Cares Where Men Come From?”

© Barry Pascal July 2011

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